I Am NOT A Ninja!
by billys-green-soup
Summary: Being a ninja is not always a choice. What is Rei to do when she is forced to become one under the supervision of one of the most evil nin in the lands? Run of course! But how? rated for safety.
1. 1 And It Begins

I am so intent upon writing my very own Naruto fic, that I have the first few paragraphs of like seven different failed attempts here on my computer. This is what has come from my many attempts at Naruto greatness.

I know it kind of sucks, just go along with it. And yes, I know I have a very big OC addiction, but they don't have support groups for that kind of thing, so shove it. Uh, and read Buried Truths by BROdreamsKEN. It goes along with this story. Kind of. This is sort of just my OC's background. It may be bad to read it just yet, though…

Disclaimer: All Naruto stuff belongs, sadly, to Kishimoto Masashi

* * *

I'm on the run. I, Rei Saruwatari, am on the run from the most notorious ninja in the whole world and I have no idea how I escaped from him.

Let me tell you the story, first. I'll start at the beginning.

It was a pretty crappy day in Kusa. I was working (I work at a grocery store, so I see every one) when he came. I didn't know who he was at first, I'd never seen him. He asked me where he could find fresh meat. I told him we didn't carry it here, he'd have to go down to Shakegure's, the butcher down the street.

That was when he told me that I would do.

I asked what he meant by that, but he didn't reply with words, just a maniacal grin.

There aren't words to describe the terror I felt when it hit me that he meant that he was going to use _me_ as fresh meat.

I asked if he was a cannibal and he laughed at me.

I am no ninja. There was nothing I could do when he reached over the counter and grabbed me around the waist, lifting me onto his shoulder before we left the village in a flash.

When we finally stopped, he threw me down on the ground, surrounded by people dressed in the same outfit as he. He told me not to move, not to talk, not to scream, and, if possible, not to breathe.

Obediently, I tried to hold my breath as I looked around at the crowd. There was, of course, him, with his long black hair, narrow eyes, sickly pale skin, and, most importantly, his snake eyes. There was also the man with the long silver ponytail and glasses. Next to them was a boy, about my age, with longish black hair and black eyes. There was another man, this one was big and kind of fat, for a ninja, with oddly cut red hair. Three more of the crowd were men, one with shoulder length, grey hair and pale skin, and another of his own head on his back. The next had longer, more even, white hair with a longer piece in the front, wrapped in a red cloth, and two red dots above his eyes. There was also a dark man with a black ponytail and his head covered, with six arms. He reminded me of a spider and I held back a scream. Have I mentioned that I'm deathly afraid of spiders? Lastly, there was the single girl, with red, shoulder length hair, a piece hanging in her face, and a hat.

"Orochimaru, are you sure of this?" asked the silver haired nin unsurely. "She's not even that strong. She's not a ninja, just a grocer."

"I am sure, Kabuto. Do you doubt me?"

"No."

The black haired boy shifted. "I don't understand. Why is this girl here?"

Orochimaru smiled his horrid smile and I cringed. He bent down to my face and grabbed my chin. "She carries great potential. We can use her, I am sure of it."

"No, really!" I burst. "I'm useless! Weak and… and… I'm not smart or anything and… I don't have any training! You can't use me! I don't have any potential! I'm really useless! Please!"

"Hush, child." Orochimaru snapped. I bit my tongue. "You have no idea what kind of potential you have, but I have seen it in you. You will stay with us and reach that potential, then you will serve me. Understand?"

I nodded.

"Sasuke, you are in charge of her training."

"What?" asked the black haired ninja. "I have to train her from the very first, all on my own? That's impossible! She's too old!"

Orochimaru shot him a glare that shut his mouth instantly. "You will do it. There is no better way to learn than to teach. Now do I hear an argument?"

"No, Orochimaru-sama," Sasuke mumbled.

"Good. Back to your training, everyone." I noticed him turn to Kabuto and say, "Keep an eye on those two, Kabuto. I want you to make sure they do as they were told."

Sasuke pulled me up off the ground roughly. "What's your name?" ha asked.

"Rei Yakushi."

"Alright, from here on out, you're to call me Sasuke- sensei. Got that?"

"Excuse me? Oh, no. _you_ are to call _me_ Rei- sama. I'm older than you."

Sasuke glared at me. It wasn't him I was afraid of; it was Spiderman and Snakey- sama. He was the perfect person to take out anger and fear on.

"It doesn't matter. I'm teaching you, so you're going to call me Sasuke- sensei! Besides, how could you even know how old I am?"

"I'm psychic. That's why he brought me here. So there."

"You're not psychic and I'm not teaching you unless you call me Sasuke- sensei."

Kabuto walked up. "Yes, you are, Sasuke. You will teach her, regardless."

Sasuke huffed and looked away as I smiled. Let it be known now, Sasuke is a face. A big fat face. I'm going to beat him with a sack of potatoes one day. But not today. Today I'm talking to you. Any what…

Sasuke glared at me. "What was your name again?" he asked.

"Rei -sama."

"I am not calling you sama!"

"Fine." I sat on the ground at that point.

"Rei -san? What are you doing? R- Rei -san?"

"Who? What? Who are you talking to, Sasu-KUN?"

"Rei -san! Stop it!"

"Hm?"

I felt a hand on my shoulder. "What is happening here? Didn't I tell you two to get training?"

I jumped up and away from Orochimaru. "Yes, sir," I squeaked.

He smiled at me and I cringed. He is so scary.

Sasuke led me to a clearing and told me he was going to test me.

"What do you mean, 'test me'? Like, a pop quiz?"

Suddenly, a kunai, flew at my face. I shrieked and hit the deck.

Sasuke was on me in nothing flat, sitting on my back and pinning me, holding back my wrists. "You're pathetic."

"You're a ninja, I work at a grocery store. This is so not fair. Get off, Sasu –kun. You're crushing me."

He growled and got off. "Stand up, Rei –san."

"Who?"

"Not now! Stand up!"

For a second there, he actually scared me, so I did. He came at me again, slower this time, but still entirely to fast for me. He landed a punch in my chest, knocking the breath out of me. I fell, but got back up with a vengeance.

I waited for him to come again, then, as soon as I saw him move, I ducked, grabbed his leg, and bit him. (You thought I was gonna do something cool didn't you? I get the feeling you're overestimating me a bit here.)

"Ow! What are you doing! Stop it! Rei! Stop it! Let go!"

I finally did. "You hit me."

"Yeah, so? You bit me!"

"You hit me first!"

"So you bit me?"

"Yes."

He rolled his eyes and walked away a bit. "You drew blood."

"I know."

He glared at me, then looked around. "Pick up that rock," he said.

I looked at him strangely. "A rock? Why?"

"Just do it."

I looked around. There were like fifty rocks. "Which rock? There's a bunch."

He pointed. The rock of choice was pretty big, but nothing I couldn't handle. I'd picked up kids bigger than that. And dog food. Dog food is flipping heavy.

I walked over and picked up his stupid rock, then walked back and dropped it at his feet. "Happy? You got your stupid rock, now, you sissy."

Sasuke shook the shock from his face and replaced it with anger. "I am not a sissy!"

"If you couldn't go get this stupid rock yourself, then you are a big fat sissy-face, pansy-pants, crappy-ninja-thing. Loser."

"Hey! You can't call me that! I call Naruto that! Don't call me that!"

I rolled my eyes. "I thought ninjas were smart."

"Which rules you out."

"I know, right? I am not cut out for this!"

The rest of the day, I got hit a lot. I also lifted quite a few rather large things.

"Come on, Rei-san. Can't you even pick up a branch?"

"THIS IS NOT A BRANCH! IT IS A FALLEN TREE!"

"And you called me a sissy? You can't even get a stupid piece of wood off the ground."

I leapt at him, then.

Let it be known- Ninjas are not good people to attack unless you are, in fact, a ninja.

It happened so quick, I wasn't even sure it had happened, but I think, when I leapt, he moved, grabbed me around the legs, and slammed me into the ground. I didn't move for a minute, partly out of shock, but mostly out of pain. I didn't realize the full extent of the damage to my body until I coughed up blood.

Someone other than Sasuke was talking then, conversing in low growls and hisses.

"Rei-san. Get up," Sasuke commanded.

I tried to tell him to shut his fat face, but the words wouldn't come out.

"Get up!" Sasuke said again.

"She can't, you imbecile!" Kabuto said, picking me up. "You can't treat her that way! She is not a ninja yet. Rei-san, can you talk to me?" We were walking then, headed back to the village.

I tried to tell him I was fine, but again, the words were stuck.

"Kabuto, what happened?" asked an unfamiliar voice.

"Sasuke," he replied, not stopping.

I hoped they had a medic nin somewhere in this place…

* * *

I've decided to murder Sasuke. It's unforgivable, what he did. I'm not exactly sure exactly what it was, but it caused me a lot of pain.

I have learned some things here in Oto, this village.

1.) Being a ninja is painful.

2.) I _really_ don't want to be a ninja.

3.) Ninjas are mean. At least these ones are. And most of all…

4.) I am not cut out for this.

Sasuke was sitting in my room when I woke up. He was not happy.

"Sasu-kun?" I asked, groggily.

"Stop calling me that!" he snapped.

I looked around. I seemed to be in something to the effect of a hut.

"Where am I?"

"This is your… house."

"What are you doing in here?"

Sasuke spoke through his teeth. "I'm… responsible for you." He was pissed.

I groaned and sat up.

"You took forever healing. You've been out for two days."

I glared at him. "It's your own fault, moron. I work at a GROCERY STORE. I am not a ninja."

"You're going to be one," said a high, cold voice from beside the door.

I yelped and jumped, nearly falling out of the bed.

Orochimaru heaved off of the wall and headed toward me. "You have potential, Rei-chan. You will do well. You have a strong teacher."

I gulped and choked back tears. "I don't want to," I replied weakly.

Orochimaru chuckled. "I don't care, Rei-chan. You will do as I tell you, or you will die. Understood?"

I nodded.

Orochimaru nodded and leaned forward like he was a father giving his young daughter a kiss good night. And then the psycho licked me.

Yes, you read that right. And it isn't a typo either. He licked me. He stuck out his too-long tongue and licked the left side of my face from jaw to forehead.

Freak.

It was at that moment that I figured it out.

I needed to become a ninja if I wanted to get away. I had to do it fast and I had to do it well…

* * *

So that's the first chappy, y'all. Like it? TELL ME!!! See that little button down there? Push. It.

If you do, you get a taco with whatever you want on it. Even lawnmowers, if you feel it necessary…

Also, I have another Naruto Story, Lying Awake. Go read it. It's amazing. Brandi tell them!


	2. 2 My Escape

Kay, so I got the name wrong. It's DREbrokenAMS. I think. But it turns out our stories don't really coincide as much as the were supposed to. Oh well. Read it anyway.

Diclaimer: If I owned this, why would it be on here?

* * *

I pushed myself harder than I thought I could ever go and within a month, Kabuto had deemed me Chunin level. 

As if I cared.

Orochimaru started looking at me funny, like I was starting to look like a piece of very good meat at an easy price.

That I did care about. I cared about it so much in fact, that I had ridiculously silly dreams that would have been nightmares if they had not been so freaking weird. There was this one that was something like Hansel and Gretel, only I was Hansel and Sasuke was Gretel and Oro-senpai was the witch. And we didn't get lost, we got kidnapped. And Oro-senpia had on a frilly pink apron and Sasuke had a pretty green dress that I kind of wanted and…

Never mind.

And so began the forbidden jutsu training. I was decidedly very bad at these, until I was threatened by Oro-senpai…

Then I was okay at them.

At some point, Oro-senpai declared that I needed to attain a special jutsu, like his snake summoning and Sasuke's fire thing.

I spent a couple of days wasting time playing with the hand signs and chakra, trying to do something. Eventually, I figured out what I wanted and made it work.

But I didn't tell anyone.

Hoping no one had seen me use my new jutsu, I came up with another one, a simpler, easier one. One that made me look amazingly pathetic.

My amazing new jutsu was a bear hug. That's right, my special thing was pushing chakra into my arms and squeezing my opponent until their eyes bugged out.

The first time I used it, Sasuke didn't realize what was going on.

"Okay, Rei-san. Didn't you tell me that you'd developed your jutsu?"

I nodded. "Yup. I did. And you get to see it in action. Ready?"

Sasuke took his usual fighting stance and I assumed mine.

We headed for each other at the same moment, but he's like a jillion times faster than me, so I wound up with a shallow cut across my chest.

"Weak, Rei-san. Focus."

I growled at him. This was a good shirt!

I held my place as he began to move again and did my hand signs. Uma, Saru, Ichi.

I focused the chakra in my arms, caught him around the chest, and squeezed.

"What a- AUGH! LET GO!" Sasuke shouted. I thought I heard a crack…

I grinned and dropped him. "Come on, Sasu-kun, I thought you wanted to see me new jutsu?"

Sasuke stared up at me, flabbergasted. "Is that it?"

"Yeah."

"You… hugged me…"

"I think I also popped your back."

He stared at me for a moment longer, confused. "Are you kidding me?"

I shook my head, looking hurt. (I hope.) "Was it effective?"

He stared at me some more. "Yes… I mean, well, I guess, but it'll be kind of hard to catch your opponent, won't it?"

I tried to look like I just had an awful revelation. "Crap! I hadn't thought of that! Do I have to make a new one?"

Sasuke gained his usual composure. "Come on, let's go ask Orochimaru-sensei. He'll tell you yes or no."

Crap. Hadn't thought of that. Dang, dang, dang. Would I really have to make another jutsu? It's not easy, trust me. It took me four weeks to get it right once. And then I had to do it again… It took forever to memorize. I hate being a ninja.

When we got to Oro-senpai, I was hyperventilating. I did not want to do this. I had to see him and I had to show him this stupid crappy jutsu and then I would have to make up a new one because this one was stupid and crappy!

Sasuke shot me a glare as we entered the house. "Try not to make me look too bad. Loser."

I made a face at him and called him a couple of names.

"Why, hello, Sasuke, Rei-chan. What do you have for me?"

I shuffled my feet and mumbled something I wasn't even paying attention to.

"Rei's finished her new jutsu," Sasuke said.

"Ah, well, show me, then, won't you, Rei-chan?"

I wanted to cry, just being in his presence. I whimpered and snatched Sasuke from my side.

"Not on mEEEEE!"

Oro-senpai grinned his terrifying grin at me as I squeezed Sasuke breathless.

"Enough, Rei-chan. You have progressed. But, since you have chosen this jutsu as your own, you're going to need to work four times as hard on your speed and reaction skills. Sasuke, is that clear?"

"Can't we get a dummy for her to practice on?" he demanded.

I sneered, unable to help myself, "But I've already got one! What do I need another for?"

Sasuke flashed upward and had me in a lock before Oro-senpai stopped him. "I will call in another for her to practice on. In the meantime, she needs to work on her speed and reaction. Who better to teach her that than the fastest ninja from the leaf village?"

I sighed. Damn. Now I had to work even harder.

* * *

Don't. 

Practice.

Reaction.

Time.

With.

Sasuke.

Just don't do it. It's a bad idea. You want to know why?

I'll freaking tell you why!

"Come on, Rei-san! Quicker! You have to catch me, remember?"

"SHUT UP! EVERYTIME I CATCH YOU, YOU YELL AT ME FOR HURTING YOU!"

"Don't waste chakra! Just catch me! Again!"

I pursed my lips, dying to get out of this place. Soon. Now. I wanted to run away from here.

But I needed to bide my time. I needed to get good so that I could get away without having to come back.

In the meantime, I was getting my butt whooped.

Sasuke started at me again and in a flash that I was beginning to see, punched me in the chest.

"Why do you have to attack me?" I demanded, hefting myself up.

"Who is the sensei here?"

I rolled my eyes, only to be reprimanded with a senbaum to the bicep. That's right. I rolled my eyes and he threw a needle into my arm.

I had to get away…

* * *

Sasuke pushed me harder than necessary for awhile and I took it for awhile, but finally, after a year, I could go. I could leave. 

I had an out.

Not that Oro-senpai just decided he didn't like me anymore. Exactly the opposite. He was beginning to watch Sasuke and I practice. Immensely creepy.

I wondered if he would really eat me, like I thought originally. That was actually probably a lot better than some of the other things that popped into my head…

I was going to end up lunch meat.

Now, remember, this is all up in my head while I'm still practicing with Sasuke. So I'm kind of… distracted…

Sasuke launched another attack and I was still thinking. Now, try this for yourselves. Find a nice, disturbing thought that will distract you in oh so many ways and a superfast ninja who hates you and is trying to "teach" (which means kill slowly and torturously in Sasukese) you how to be an amazing ninja.

Go on, guess what happened next. Go on, guess!

Wrong!

Hee hee… You thought I was gonna be in the hospital again, huh? Nope.

I've gotten the hang of this defense thing. I noticed him move and hit the deck, dodging the kunai effectively enough. Then, when he surged forward, I grabbed his ankle, yanked him to the ground, and punched him in the face.

As fun as it may be, do not punch Sasuke in the face, by the way.

And queue Kabuto running in to save me.

Again.

Poop.

* * *

Three weeks after I had left the hospital, I planned my escape. I didn't want to be there anymore and I had to get away. Sasuke was driving me mad, Oro-sempai was scaring the crap out of me, and I think Kabuto was getting annoyed with me, which is about the worst thing ever when you have Sasuke as a teacher. Plus, Oro-sempai was leaving and Kabuto was going with him. I could probably evade everyone else. 

As we practiced the day before I left, I pondered staying a bit longer. Sasuke might still be able to catch me.

Then I Oro-sempai came into our practice area to watch us before he left. I shuddered.

No, I had reached a comfortable level to escape and I was going to make a break for it.

That night, I shoved the things I thought I would need into a pack and snuck out. This was it. I was going to go home.

The first obstacle caught me early on. As I was leaving the village, Jiroubou.

Damn.

"Where are you going, Saseko?" _(A/N: I didn't like the way whore sounded. This sounds better.)_

What a nice guy. What an amazing nickname for me. It's a wonder I didn't want to stay, isn't it?"

"None of your business, Aburakkoi! Move!" I snapped. _(A/N: Translation; Fatty)_

"What's all the stuff?" He made a grab for my pack.

"Trust me, Abu, you don't want to know." _(A/N: I'm using it as short for fatty, but actually means horsefly. Still fits)_

"Why, Saseko, you carryin' your blanket around? Miss your hometown?"

"No, Abu, I'm on my period. Do you want to go through all my bloody sheets and clothes and stuff? I bled all over my sheets and now I have to go wash them. Thanks."

Jiroubou flushed and shoved me. "Go on then. And wear a better pad next time! Moron…"

That should keep anyone from wondering for a couple of hours. I fled then. I was leaving and I wasn't coming back.

I was at least a mile away before I paused. I was tired and running low on chakra. I had been lucky to have run into the moron. Anyone else would have caught on to my lie. I was also lucky not to have run into anything dangerous out here.

I decided to set up camp where I was. As much as I wanted to get as far away as possible from the village hidden in the sound, I needed rest. I pulled out my bread and dried meat and found a good place under a huge tree to eat.

After eating, I curled up under the tree and covered myself in a blanket. And I slept.

* * *

that be it, kids! . have a taco for reviews! 


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